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From: bangambiki <cmukayoboka@yahoo.com>
Date: Sat, 22 Aug 2009 08:27:49 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: [Laughington Post] WIVES JOKES
To: bangambiki@igituba.org
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his
breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there
is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in
the morning?"
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."
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A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
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If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose,
would you go to lunch or to the cinema?
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First guy proudly: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".
The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same
thing: "You can have mine."
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A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated
partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's
chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
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A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits
of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress
is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts
of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health."
The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that
when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks
you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work.
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A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid
down some rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he
insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a
decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you
otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my
buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand
that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether
you're here or not."
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George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they
meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into
his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I
can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs,
I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL
wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up
the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands
on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always
sound asleep."
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A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the
doctor."
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at
the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a
doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then
the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine
down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and
deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on
and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was
printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid
heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical
science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed
together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples
from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated
into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it
in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same
buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following
message:
Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get
better.
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There was a husband and a wife who had a very good sex life ... at
least the wife thought so. The only problem with it was that the
husband always had to have the lights off when they made love. So one
day the wife decides to suprise him and turns the lights on in the
middle of it.
She realizes her husband is using a cucumber!
She asks him if this is what he has been using their entire marriage.
He replies "Yes." She becomes angry and starts screaming at him,
calling him a "stupid cheating bastard."
He looks at her and says, "I'm the stupid cheating bastard? Explain
our 4 kids!"
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Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says:
"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other
day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't
mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't
mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both
his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The
other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
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Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
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Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced
that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair
and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.
Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied
"Read my lips. No more Bush"
--
Posted By bangambiki to Laughington Post at 8/22/2009 08:27:00 AM
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